Fallen Soldiers

Don’t forget to donate to Eli’s Vision Therapy fund if you can and pass the word along even if you can’t donate.  Every little bit helps. 

I took a much-needed break this holiday weekend.

I went all rogue and went unplugged from Friday around 12pm to today around 7pm.

I wanted family time.  I wanted/needed something quiet.  Something special.

Whenever I need this we travel north.

We don’t have a lot of money right now as we are continually saving for Eli’s Vision Therapy.  So we filled the gas tank twice – once there and once home.

The car didn’t move after it entered the driveway of my in-laws cabin until we started our journey home this morning.

But this trip was far from relaxing.

You may recall that last year the boys missed out on the Memorial Day trip to the cabin.

By early this morning I was wishing this year had found them in their rooms once again.

The end of the school year is hard on Eli.  We learned last year that his anxiety over transitioning to kindergarten kept him from behaving.  It was happening all over again.  The plus is that this year I knew what was wrong.

The bad part?

I still don’t know what to do about it.

And this kid is good.  He knows just how to push my buttons.

Our latest battle is that he has decided he doesn’t need to listen to me or do anything I say because I’m not his “Great Mom”.  This is what he has come to calling my honey as she is the one that gave birth to him.  He works hard to use this against me whenever my rules don’t suit his purpose.

My honey has been good about making him understand why this is not ok.  I have not been that good about minding my temper and ignoring something that he knows ruffles my feathers.

We battled over this much of the weekend.

Why?

Because I wouldn’t allow him to practice his stick twirling skills directly in front of the window of the pole barn.  Because I wouldn’t allow him to be without a jacket when it was only 40°F outside.  Because I made him wear a hat so that he wouldn’t get ticks.  Because I wouldn’t let him throw dirt at his brother.  Because I made him go to bed when it was still daylight out (for the record, he gets insane whenever his schedule changes).

Because I’m the meanest mommy ever with the worst rules.

Add to all of this that I was hormonal this weekend due to the arrival of my annoying, semi-monthly visitor.

A rather large, silver bullet straight to the heart.

Because he was anxious about school ending and I was emotional from my period, we spent much of the weekend yelling at each other.

It was horrible.

So when we got home I tried to make up for it.  We got out the slip and slide since summer finally decided to grace us with her presence.  We all laughed and giggled at the fun.

We let some of the chores slide until after dinner was over.

There was still some craziness, but there was much more happy behind it.

I have never gone to war.  I have never even been in a fight.

But this weekend I understood what it was like to be beaten.  To fall in the presence of my enemy.

My children are not my enemies.

My pride and my need to be perfect, to be the best are my enemies.

My heart continues to ache at the very thought that I did not fully enjoy my weekend with my family as I had originally planned.

So I take a moment to think about the good.

Having Eli read his newest chapter book to me as we sat around the campfire.

Watching sticky marshmallow goo, melted chocolate and graham cracker crumbs build on the sweetest faces I know.  There isn’t anything much better than cabin s’mores.

Watching Eli draw and color.  Rediscovering the wonder of Crayola Wonder markers – something he never liked until this weekend.

Keegan asking me to rock him to sleep.  Then trying to fit the two of us into a seemingly shrunken rocking chair that once cradled our bodies so sweetly.

Opening my Paypal account to find that a few kind people have donated to help Eli out and have graciously put us over the $100 mark.  I am humbled by the thoughtfulness of these amazing friends.  I am overjoyed by the number of new visitors to this site everyday.  The word is getting out and people I don’t even know are stopping by to hear Eli’s story.  I welcome you all and appreciate your interest.

As I reflect more on this weekend I realize that I’m not truly fallen.  I’m only slightly wounded.  School will be over in 11 days and the anxieties will soar out the window almost as quickly.

We will enjoy the summer ahead of us.  We will work hard to prepare for the school year to come.  We will resolve the differences between us to the best of our abilities.

I vow to be a better me so that my family can be a better them.

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About Brotherly Love

I am a mom, partner, teacher and a lover of life. I have two fabulous boys who define my life as I know it. One of my children has been diagnosed with a sensory processing disorder, Asperger's and anxiety disorder. I blog as much about him as I do about my life and the lives of my immediate family.
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2 Responses to Fallen Soldiers

  1. Elastamom says:

    Oh, Heather. The “Great Mom”…isn’t it terrible when they find something that hurts you so bad? Gabe knows just how to get me too. You just have to keep reminding yourself that they don’t truly mean it. I’ll post something about Eli’s fund on my blog too…I’ve been slacking!

  2. Debbi Henry says:

    Heather, your weekend sounds like the morning I had with Caleb! Hopefully this is just a phase he is going through and it will pass quickly. I have found the more I react to Caleb’s phases, the longer they last. It’s so very hard not to react though, isn’t it? And, boy did I react this morning!HUGS to you because I know how hard these days are to get through.

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