I am not great.
As a child growing up I was alone a lot.
With each town and each school I had one best friend. I had some other friends, sure. But most Friday nights I could be found in front of the TV with my brother and sister.
I was in the school plays. Never the star – always in the chorus. Well, there was the one year when the school didn’t have the budget to do a rights purchased play so we wrote our own. I starred in that because no one else auditioned.
I didn’t go to prom. Sure, I went to the after party with a few friends but we hung out in the parking lot much of the night. Not drinking, not smoking. Just sitting on the hood of the car talking and laughing.
I went to college where I met my honey. I had good experiences. I helped create a Habitat for Humanity program that continues to this day. I was a student mentor. I auditioned for plays and ended up back stage helping with costume changes. My honey was my one true friend. There are others that I check in with now and again on FB but I wouldn’t consider them close.
Early in my career I had several jobs. I challenged rules at each of them. I worked to make changes that seemed to make sense. I made things better – I was told so by various supervisors. I remained on the front line feeling like nothing was moving forward.
So, we packed up and made a fresh start. New jobs, new home, new life.
I started the job of my dreams. Worked to make new friends. To this day I’ve never found that best friend. I have several good friends that I can turn to when I need to. But there’s no one I’m anxious to talk to on a regular basis.
It’s me. I know. Perhaps it’s that I had so much hurt as a child that I never opened myself up to others. Maybe it’s just my personality. Sure, people like me. But, few are calling me to go out for a drink after work or chat on the phone or hang out getting coffee.
So I try to fit in where I can. I feel like I am lacking greatness. I am a leader. I continue to challenge the rules, to try to change the system. The recent inability to interview for the job I was hoping for was a huge blow to the ego. I don’t know where I fit anymore. My greatness seems to have disappeared.
I’m not throwing yet another pity party for myself.
Instead I’m doing a reality check.
I haven’t been truly happy in a while and I need to figure out why.
I need to find my great.
So I’m trying. I’m looking.
The needle in a haystack is not showing itself.
I’m more frustrated by the fact that Eli is having a hard time right now because it’s the end of the year and transition is hard. So, my rules are horrible, I’m far from fair and I’m generally the worst mommy every. Almost daily he’s looking for a new mom. Everything is my fault.
I’m trying hard to not mimic his mindset. But, oh, how hard that is.
So, instead, I find my great in how hard I’ve worked this year to get him the help he needs. He doesn’t appreciate it because it’s hard for him. But, I know that I’ve done the right thing. I’ve challenged the system and I’ve fought to change the rules. I continue to fight for what he needs and am hoping to pull off some great event that will get us the money he needs to complete the therapy he requires.
I find my great in all of the babies and their families that I have helped over the years. Because I remain on the frontline, I have direct access to the people who need me most. I connect with them. I bring them hope. We laugh together. Sometimes we cry together. I work to make sure they are getting what they need. I challenge the system. I work to change the rules to benefit the lives of the little people I care so much about.
I find my great in the blonde hair and blue eyes of the little life I created. The face that looks so much like me. The wit that reminds me of my sister. The love that is never-ending. My miracle that is beyond great.
I find my great in realizing that I don’t open up to a lot of people. But, I know that the people I call my friends are truly that. They aren’t people I’ll hang out with all the time. They may even be people who I’ll go years without talking to or seeing. But they are my true friends. They would come rushing if ever I needed them. Some of them have come rushing in the last day in ways that I never imagined.
I find the great in the love that I have, the love that I share.
I am not great. I will likely never be great. But there is great all around me and I do great things.
“If there is no passion in your life, then have you really lived? Find your passion, whatever it may be. Become it, and let it become you and you will find great things happen FOR you, TO you and BECAUSE of you.”