Ashamed…

Setting: Pool at the Y

Preface: A fun night of swimming to work off a little energy and have some fun together.

We moved quickly from the Family Changing Room to the pool area.  We arrived in the middle of the 10 minute break so we moved to the bench to wait for the blow of the whistle.

The boys moved back and forth between the clock on the wall and our seats.  I sat on the bench people watching.

That’s when I spotted him.

He was tall and skinny.  He was wandering the pool in his black swim trunks with his arms close to his sides like he was shivering – though he appeared dry from the waist up.  He closely resembled Billy Bob Thornton in Deliverance.  He was gazing around the room and appeared to stop on several children.  I wanted to believe they were his children but my mommy radar told me something wasn’t right.

The whistle blew and we entered the pool.  I was increasingly aware of his whereabouts in the pool.  I watched him wander and scan the crowd.  I noted that no children joined him.  I saw him approach a couple of children and I saw their parents move in.

He wandered over to the area of the pool where the fountains are.  He spent the next 15 minutes standing over one of the fountains.  He entertained a couple of children by making the water pop.  Eventually he was there alone.

When the boys would move toward the fountains I would encourage them back to swim.  Keegan went to the fountains and I sent my honey to get him.  Something told me not to let him be there alone.

Then he started talking to himself and my heart sank.

What if…

What if this man has disabilities?

What if this man is as excited about water as my 4-year-old because his abilities resemble that of my son?

What if this man has mental health concerns that keep him from being able to socially interact with people in a way that is socially acceptable?

I suddenly felt ashamed.

I made a judgement.  Whether or not it was correct, the fact remains that I made a judgement.

My mind went to Eli and all of his struggles.

No, he doesn’t compare to this man.  Except that he may.

Eli has an “invisible disability”.  People often judge his actions and judge me for the way I handle them.  They don’t know what he goes through behind closed doors.  They don’t know the amazing child I know or see the struggles I see.

I know to trust my gut.  I’ve been told that in my personal life and my professional career.  I listened to my gut tonight.

I don’t know that I’m happy that I did…

Advertisements

About Brotherly Love

I am a mom, partner, teacher and a lover of life. I have two fabulous boys who define my life as I know it. One of my children has been diagnosed with a sensory processing disorder, Asperger's and anxiety disorder. I blog as much about him as I do about my life and the lives of my immediate family.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Ashamed…

  1. ((you)) I know you feel guilty, especially given Eli’s struggles, but what you did was a normal, human thing. The good news? You were able to stop and look at the other side.

  2. Elastamom says:

    I think it was normal too. Better to be safe than sorry.

  3. Mrs.Mayhem says:

    I think we’ve all made similar judgments. Of course, we want to be the kind of people who aren’t judgmental, but it is part of human nature. You were watching out for your children, which is your top priority as a mother.

  4. Debbi Henry says:

    Heather, I think what you did was a normal reaction for a mother and I agree with everything that all of the above me said. It is always better to be safe than sorry and it is very good that you were able to think about other possibilities too. Go easy on yourself!

  5. Thanks ladies for the words of encouragement. It was such a bizarre situation. I knew what I did was right for my children but I couldn’t help but feel guilty for the things I was thinking. Thanks too for reminding me that this is ok, normal even! That’s why I love you all.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s