Confession

I’m not Catholic so this isn’t going to be formal.

Don’t feel like you need to run out and grab the nearest priest to hear what I’m about to say.

Before I begin, I’m feeling the need to recite that rule from AA – “who you see here, what you hear here, when you leave here, let it stay here”.  Someday I’ll tell you all about the first time I heard that.  For now I’ll just say that I was 13 and I was NOT an alcoholic…

I love you people enough to share this with you.

I. Am. A. Phoney.

Yep, that’s me.  Totally a fake.  Ok, not totally.  But I certainly don’t practice all that I preach.  Let me explain.

My honey got a text from a friend tonight asking if I would call her to talk about some behaviors her son is having.  Many of you know that I’m a developmental specialist by trade so it was not unheard of that she would call to ask for me.

I called her back and we spent a good amount of time talking.  A lot of her worries and stories sounded a lot like Eli.  Her son was premature.  He has a lot of sensory concerns.  He’s having some social issues and behavior problems.

We talked about discipline – specifically 1-2-3 Magic.  We talked about getting back into occupational therapy and where a good place to go might be.  We talked about getting him in to see a developmental pediatrician if these things don’t help improve his behaviors.

She hung up the phone feeling like I had just saved her from strangling her son.  She thanked me for all of my knowledge and was glad she had requested my help.  I felt awful.

Sure, I sent this mom on the right path with everything.  I gave her all the appropriate advice.  I’m sure some of the things I said will make a difference.

But, let me say it again, I don’t practice what I preach.  At least not all of the time.

We’ve done 1-2-3 Magic and it works.  I get lazy and it doesn’t.  Then I argue and yell and throw parental temper tantrums.  This all usually ends with me screaming and them looking at me like I just grew 6 heads.  It’s then that I realize that I need to take a break and breathe for a few moments.  Then we need to back up the crazy train and start moving forward again.  The “I think I cans” get us about halfway back up the hill before we start the vicious cycle all over again.

We are doing OT.  I follow through on that most of the time.  Truth be told I rely on Eli to do most of the work and to know what he wants/needs.  But, usually after one of my screaming fits, I do notice that he needs the help of the adults around him still.  Tonight I talked it out with him in his room.  Sometimes that’s exactly what he needs to get his anxieties out and move forward.  I need to quit holding him 100% accountable for his own therapy.  He is only 6!

And then there’s the doctor issue…  What can I say.  I’m not sure if I’m avoiding it or if I truly feel that he doesn’t need it.  As we get closer to meeting with the Intervention Assistance Team I wonder to myself if we shouldn’t just bite the bullet and have him examined by one of the two very competent developmental pediatricians.  In a lot of respects I don’t want him labeled.  I feel like we’d simply be doing it to get him services.  I also feel like we need to get him labeled to get him services.  I’ve wondered this same conundrum aloud with you all before.  Nothing has changed.  I still sit on this same couch and don’t have an appointment with any physician and likely won’t anytime soon.

So I feel a little guilty.  Hail Mary’s and Our Father’s are not going to absolve me of my guilt.  Likewise, neither is beating myself up.

I need to stop and realize that it’s so much easier for me to help “fix” other people’s children.  I am not emotionally attached to them.

In that same thought, though, I need to remember to take my own advice sometimes.  The universe has a way of smacking you in the face with things you should have seen coming.

After a rough weekend with the boys and coming to the realization this morning that I have been a cranky bitch lately too, I now know that I need to take that breath and start over.  Before things get out of hand, we need to set the train back on its rails and push forward up that hill.  It will make my life easier in the long run and make family time so much more enjoyable.

What sins do you need to confess today.  The floor is open and I do not judge.

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About Brotherly Love

I am a mom, partner, teacher and a lover of life. I have two fabulous boys who define my life as I know it. One of my children has been diagnosed with a sensory processing disorder, Asperger's and anxiety disorder. I blog as much about him as I do about my life and the lives of my immediate family.
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4 Responses to Confession

  1. Debbi Henry says:

    You are right, don’t beat yourself up. It is always easier to give advice to someone, than it is to work on changing your own habits. Give yourself a break, take that deep breath, and stop the “crazy train”.

    About putting a label on Eli, I don’t see any harm in it. You have to decide this, but I say go for it. With Gracie, I don’t mind getting labels as long as they get her services that she needs. Her labels have never hindered anything for us. That may not be the case for everyone, but Gracie’s labels have never been a bad thing.

    As for my sins, I think I haven’t been appreciating Gracie enough. I have been getting irritable with her and losing patience. Her choking scare yesterday has got my brain frying, I wouldn’t be surprised if I saw steam coming out of my head. I easily see all of my flaws right now. As you said, the univese has a way of slapping you into reality…

  2. Mrs.Mayhem says:

    It’s natural that you wouldn’t want your son labeled; he is so much more than whatever the label might be.

    As hard as it may be, if you schedule the appointment, at least you’ll know the doctor’s opinion. (And it is just that: an opinion.)

    If you speak to the doctor, you’ll be able to determine if his opinion makes sense for your son. You are still in charge, as his mother. Think of it as gaining more information to better plan the best course of action for your child’s future.

  3. Elastamom says:

    I do that too Heather. I beat myself up for not doing enough…but we can’t do it all. Sometimes it does feel good to get things off your chest!

  4. Patty says:

    All this means is that you are HUMAN! I know how you feel. I really do. I tell people to get their kids OT, to do the sensory diet, etc. yet I struggle all the time to keep it all going.

    My sins are too numerous to count, but one biggie today was screaming at my daughter. Sometimes my temper just takes over and I can’t handle it.

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