I walked into my house to find my sister sitting on my couch. I asked her what they said. She smiled and said “2056 – on my birthday” and winked. We shed some tears and a giant hug. And then…. I woke up.
That was how I started my morning today. I’ve been really good since Christmas, no major down days. Today was hard.
About halfway through the day I realized that it was a year ago yesterday that my sister had her last day of work. She filed for disability and stopped working a year ago today. I suppose it will be that way from now until April. All of the last things that happened will continue to be played in my head.
The hardest thing for me today was the hug. In my dream I got one from her, only I couldn’t feel it. My arms remember her but I couldn’t feel it. You know how your arms remember the familiar people in your life and how it feels different when you hug someone new? My arms remember my kids, my best friend, my spouse and my sister. Today I feel my arms ache for her. It has been almost a year since I was able to hug her and over a year since I was able to get a really good squeeze.
Perhaps it was Heidi telling me that my time on this earth will come to an end on her birthday in 2056. If so I’ll be 81 and I’m cool with that:) I wish, however, that it was really her and that she was telling me that she would be with me until 2056. I would never ask for her back in the condition she was in when she left me. That’s not what I’m asking for.
I have so many friends that remind me that she is always with me. I know that she is. I can feel her and occasionally I see her out of the corner of my eye moving around my house. While those friends mean well enough, I can feel that they truly don’t understand. I lost my best friend and my sister. That person that I talked to about everything, shared my whole life with is gone. I talk to her all of the time still but she’s no longer here to answer back.
So, today marks my uphill climb toward the 1st anniversary of my sisters death. I fear there will be many more struggles along the way. I cherish the friends that I have and know that they will be there for me when I need them.
Better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all. I loved her with all my heart so this will be difficult. However, my life was truly made richer with her in it. And now, I have a beautiful nephew to build new memories with!